UNFASHIONABLE BEHAVIOR: DOMESTIC ABUSE

As we watched Rihanna open up to the public & Diane Sawyer about the horrific events that took place during Grammy weekend with then boyfriend Chris Brown, it made me reflect on my past. We all saw the photos of a badly beaten Ri-Ri. It was the shock and awe heard all over the world and it was the topic of every conversation that weekend. Another shocking revelation was hearing Mariah Carey admit to Larry King this week that she was in an abusive relationship too. All of a sudden, we see that this problem in the world unfortunately affects many celebrities. 

This topic hits particularly close to home for me, as well. I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for four years. The heart is such a powerful thing. We learn quickly to forgive over and over again. Three out of 4 relationship are abusive. There are different types of abuse. There is physical, emotional, mental, and sexual abuse. None of them are worse than the others. Some may think that physical abuse is the easiest to get over because the bruises go away, but that isn't true at all. With physical abuse, typically emotional and mental abuse are also involved. But just because the bruises heal and fade, doesn't mean the pain inside your heart goes away. Just like Rihanna, I am a strong female, who never would've thought this could happen to me. It's apparent that no matter how strong you are, love can make you do crazy things. When you get that close to someone, you believe every word they say, every excuse they give, and every crocodile tear that falls from their eyes. You want so badly to be a great influence or to change their behavior. But domestic abuse links back to the way a person was treated, their insecurities in themselves, and their upbringing. 

The guy I dated we will refer to him as Mr. Toxic (who will remain nameless) always prided himself on treating a woman right. In the first year of our relationship, that was how it was. He would even say, "I'd never hit a woman, my mom and my uncle would kill me." When someone says such strong words like that, you tend to believe that they will always respect you.


Mr. Toxic was a charmer, I instantly fell in love with his good looks, his charisma, and his personality. Being a victim of domestic violence, when you reflect back on your relationship its very embarrassing to think that you could fall in love with someone that would ever hurt you. You'd like to think of yourself as a person of good character and moral judgment. Just like the expression a wolf in sheep's clothing, this is exactly the case with many abusers. I am not writing this article for pity, I am not writing this article to point fingers at men and say they are the only abusers, because that is not the case at all. I can speak on it now, because I have completely purged him completely out of my life. I do not wish him harm. I know what you are thinking, if someone hurt me, my sister, or my daughter, I'd want to kill them, right? You quickly learn that life goes on and if you want the healing to begin, you need to forgive. That does not mean that I will forget about the things that he did to me, because those are burned into my memory and I will continue to speak to women who are in the same situations as me and also I will educate my daughter one day. I realized in my relationship, the more he'd say mean and degrading things to me, it was a reflection of his insecurities.

Looking back on it now, my family saw the warning signs first. My brother begged me to leave. He would say, "You are so beautiful and talented to be with him. He doesn't deserve someone like you." My best friends, cousin, my aunt, and my grandfather recognized the "trance" I was in. I was so deeply in love with this individual, I didn't want to even listen to the people in my life who always knew best and loved me unconditionally. In my case, the emotional abuse started first then it was followed by physical abuse. Statistics say that it takes a woman 7-8 times before she will leave. I would have to agree. It took me 4 years to walk away. I kept praying and hoping it would get better that he would magically change or want to get better. Aside from Mr. Toxic's personal insecurities in the Hollywood scene, he suffered from a deeper issue---- alcoholism. I am not giving him an excuse, I am just explaining how this played a part. 

When I first met Mr. Toxic in college, he was quite the BMOC (Big Man on Campus), a guy who loved a good party, but definitely had slight drinking tendencies. I never thought they'd end up being a huge problem down the road. I don't think anyone does. We all like to go out and have a few drinks. As our relationship grew, I can recall a night when I was visiting my parents on the east coast of Florida and was woken up, several times throughout the night because he had woken up face down in Ybor City (a nightlife area in downtown Tampa), no money, and he had no way of getting home. I was two hours away from him and was scared because I felt helpless for him. I offered to get in the car and come and get him, he said he'd sit here on the bench and wait til one of his friends woke up and he'd call them to come get him or he'd walk. This should've been my first sign.

After a year, I had a big decision to make in my life. I was graduating from Fashion School. It was either NYC or LA for me. I ended up choosing LA for my internship, packed my bags, and left. Mr. Toxic and I decided to try the long distance thing. Shortly after my move to LA, he decided he wanted to move to LA too. Soon after his move, the alcoholism became a stronger source for arguments, public displays of humiliation towards me, emotional abuse, fear, and caused me to hate myself.

He'd wake me up from a dead sleep either on the cell phone or while I was in bed screaming about something. Sometimes it would be because he was on Sunset intoxicated and forgot where he parked. Usually our arguments would occur after he'd accuse me of something that wasn't important at 2am, like why I left the light on downstairs in the living room or why I fell asleep on the couch with the tv on. He would make me feel stupid, incompetent, and insecure. I'd call my mom at 2am in the morning Pacific Time, which was 5am back east, crying hysterically because he would be screaming and  making threats. I'd lock myself in the guestroom just so that he couldn't touch me. My dad would ask my mom why I was calling, but I'd beg her not to tell him. I was scared for him to know. Up until about six months ago, he didn't know the reason I left Mr. Toxic over a year ago. When he and my brother found out, they were so angry. I knew they'd be furiated, but he (Mr. Toxic) wasn't worth it.

I found the strength after 3 years of physical abuse through my mom. I had given up so much of my life and while I was building my styling career, no one who I worked with had a clue. I was the real me on set, at red carpet events, and with my clients. But I would always cringe and hate to go home. I couldn't relax in what is suppose to be my own sanctuary. Every time, he'd hit me, throw me against the dresser, and try to strangle me, I would take photos as proof and email them to myself. But I was too scared to call the cops because of his threats. I can hear them echo in my head, "If you call the cops, I will put your head through the wall."

My mom is my best friend and she always will be. She knew my fears and she was 3,000 miles away and felt like her hands were tied. She'd come visit me every four months and even she saw the way he'd talk to me, treat me, and scream at me. My mom cried one night in my guestroom. She begged me to leave. She said, I know you feel trapped and you feel scared. I did feel trapped, trapped in my own wishes, dreams, and hopes. He convinced me that we had a future, that I was the "one", and that he always felt bad the next day. I was terrified, scared was an understatement. I was terrified for two reasons: 1.) I had moved him to LA, paid for the move, and was investing in what I was brainwashed into thinking was my future. 2.) I hadn't been on my own in four years, what would I do in this town all by myself? And that was the truth. I had fallen in love with a horrible man who didn't love me. When the numbness of my heart wore off and reality set in, I realized I had accomplished so much in my life on my own, I didn't need him. The only thing I should be scared of is getting to know the grown-up girl who didn't have to answer to anyone. And although, everything in the townhouse was his (because I sold all of my stuff in Tampa because I moved his furniture cross country.), that everything can be purchased and bought all over again. I prayed about it and with the help of my good friends, I found a great little place that I quickly packed my clothing & computer and signed the lease without hesitation. I can honestly say that now with my head held high and no regrets. I have come along way on my spiritual journey in life.

Some would ask, "Is there life after coming out of that situation?" My advice would be to take some time for yourself. What you go through is so emotional and deep on so many levels, it's like a group of puzzle pieces that need to be put together all over again to refigure your life. Learn to love your favorite things again being single. You have no one else's feelings to consider, just your own. So if you want to fall asleep on your couch and the tv ends up being on, you can. You definitely go through a mourning period when you let go of someone that was such a intimate part of your life. I will advise to not have any contact- no texting, no emails, and no phone calls with your X. Also delete them from every social networking site you subscribe too. That person no longer has earned any right to be a part of your life or to know anything at all about what is going on in your world. The abuser will always apologize, cry, tell you how much they messed up, how they will change, believe NONE of it. Its a perpetual cycle that needs to stop and this is the ONLY way for you to get your dignity back. No one said this would be easy, my next piece of advice would be to surround yourself with a great group of friends who will distract you when you are ready to be social again.

Right now, in my life, I am beyond happy. I am in such a great place in my personal life and in my career. As far as, love is concerned, I will always be a little skeptical, but I have been blessed to have an amazing guy from my past come waltzing back into my life a little over a month ago. He has definitely opened my eyes to how a woman is suppose to be talked to, treated, and how its ok to be a strong, secure female who knows what she wants. My grandpap was the one guy in my life that I could always go to for advice when I had a difficult decision to make. I had a huge career opportunity given to me and I was upset because I no longer have him to talk to or give me a pep talk (because he passed away in July). Mr. Amazing gave me a pep talk and even quoted my Pap, which literally left me speechless. It's mind blowing at times, I have to pinch myself because it doesn't seem real sometimes, but I can't even begin to explain the connection we share. I have never felt so comfortable being myself. It's strange, we all tend to have these "secretaries" that tend to only reveal the good things about us. This tends to happen the first few months of the "getting to know you" phase in a relationship. This time, I don't feel like I have to pretend. But we'll see, if its all just a stepping stone for me to learn what a real relationship is about or merely a reconnection friendship from our high school days, either way, I'll be happy. I like to keep my love life private and I don't want to jinx a quinn-tessential good possibility. :)

(Source: HelpGuide.org)
HOW DOES DOMESTIC ABUSE OCCUR? 

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. I wrote this article to educate women and men of the signs of domestic violence, how to notice the warning signs, and how to get help or get out of the situation.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

WHAT IS DOMESTIC ABUSE?

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse do not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally.

Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

You don’t have to live in fear

If you are afraid for your safety or have been beaten by your partner:

• Dial 911 or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224.
• Read Help for Abused and Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.
To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings	Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you: feel afraid of your partner much of the time? avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? feel emotionally numb or helpless?	Does your partner: humiliate or yell at you? criticize you and put you down? treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? blame you for his own abusive behavior? see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats	Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner: have a bad and unpredictable temper? hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?  threaten to take your children away or harm them? threaten to commit suicide if you leave? force you to have sex? destroy your belongings?	Does your partner: act excessively jealous and possessive? control where you go or what you do? keep you from seeing your friends or family? limit your access to money, the phone, or the car? constantly check up on you?

Physical violence is just one form of domestic abuse

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all domestic abuse involves violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.
Domestic abuse takes many forms, including psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. These types of abuse are less obvious than physical abuse, but that doesn’t mean they’re not damaging. In fact, these types of domestic abuse can be even more harmful because they are so often overlooked—even by the person being abused.

Emotional or psychological abuse

The aim of emotional or psychological abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Furthermore, emotional abuse usually worsens over time, often escalating to physical battery.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is common in abusive relationships. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one-third and one-half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during their relationship. Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse.

Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, women whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

Economic or financial abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Rigidly controlling your finances.
• Withholding money or credit cards.
• Making you account for every penny you spend.
• Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
• Restricting you to an allowance.
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly)
• Stealing from you or taking your money.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

• The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
• The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
• The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
• There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska (PDF)

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
• If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• "Normal" behavior – Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.
Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously.

General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
• Go along with everything their partner says and does.
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
• Rarely go out in public without their partner.
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn).
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

Do's and Don't's

Do: Ask. Express concern. Listen and validate. Offer help. Support her decisions.

Don’t: Wait for her to come to you. Judge or blame. Pressure her. Give advice. Place conditions on your support.

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the woman might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save her life.
Talk to the person in private and let her know that you’re concerned about her safety. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell her that when and if she wants to talk about it, you’re there for her. Reassure her that you’ll keep whatever she tells you between the two of you, and let her know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. Abused and battered women are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they have often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Related articles

Help for Abused and Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters, Support, and Protection
Learn how to protect yourself from domestic violence and leave an abusive relationship safely. Includes tips on getting a restraining order, finding a shelter, and staying safe after you’ve left.

More Helpguide articles:

• Healing Emotional and Psychological Trauma: Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery
• Child Abuse and Neglect: Warning Signs of Abuse and How to Report It
• Elder Abuse and Neglect: Warning Signs, Risk Factors, Prevention, and Help

Related links for domestic violence and domestic abuse

Domestic violence hotlines and help

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence)
State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Warning signs of abusive relationships and domestic violence

Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)
Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Learn about the cycle of violence common to abusive relationships. (Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service)
The Problem – Offers a checklist of behaviors and feelings that will help you assess whether you are in an abusive relationship. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
Domestic Violence Warning Signs – Describes common warning signs that a woman is being emotionally abused or beaten. (Safe Place, Michigan State University)